Sunday, July 8, 2012

Journal entry

I rest my eyes upon you,
Your body; Broken, penetrated, bruised
the youth, the strength, both disguised
under hospital sheets and dressings
the arms that held me, lay still by your side
the legs that carried you
have taken their last step
I hold you close to me and I gaze upon your semi lifeless face
taking you in, images, images.
Running my fingertips across your cheek, I feel the stubble that tickled my chin
when you kissed me slowly
I realize that this will be our last life's kiss, our parting
Still holding your arm, I silently scream
crying out your name and everything you mean to me
It's so hard to breath
So I syncronize each breath with the ventilator that keeps you here
Begging God for a miracle, using all the faith inside me
But it extinguishes
Hope fades as quickly as the life in your eyes
Are you dead? Are you alive? Are you here with me?
Do you know? Where did you go, my love?
Open your eyes, open them
Squeeze my hand, respond to the voice that has called you mine for so long
Show me you're here
But the sun won't stop setting- it's imminent, it's cold
The darkness is coming
Take me with you, wherever you are going
please take me with you
I stare at my ring as they check to see if you're still here with us
If any of you is still here with us
It's not
But the heart that would speed for me is beating still
and the flesh we shared, still warm
You can't be very far.
I have one last chance to feel love's embrace
I close me eyes and lay my head on your chest
and for a second, you're here again
I know it, it feels so real, can't it just be this way
My eyes open and you're farther again
It's time they said
I held your arm tight
I said all of my love into your ear
I whispered to you as you became no more
Your chest rose and fell for the last time
Your heart so strong kept beating, beating, beating, beatin, beati, beat, bea, bea, be, be, b......
Gone, stopped.
I still hope for a moment
But you remain still
You lips turned from pink to pale before my eyes
You were more lifeless now, but I still wonder where did you go?
I have to find you and tell you everything.
I hold your dead body for a while.
"I love you. It's ok, it's ok." I repeated over and over again.
"I'm with you" I assured you as you died.
I say my final goodbye to you
and drop to the floor, I feel like i'm screaming, i'm crying out
and I too, stop breathing
for only a moment, but how I wish it was more
I don't remember, I can't remember anymore now
Blank paragraphs are placed throughout our book of goodbye
But I remember you
I just don't know where you were. 

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