Monday, January 9, 2012

....What Now?

The entire month of December was busy. It was filled with traveling, planning, the funeral, memorials, etc. The second after the last memorial was over, I felt it. "It" was an overwhelming feeling of what now? What? No more planning? No more services? What do I do now? How do I live now? Is this real? I had to start school the very next day after the last memorial service. I thought long and hard about taking a semester off and even quitting, and I would have in another situation. But since I was already so far into the nursing program it would be difficult to start again. I also knew in my heart that if I stopped school, even for a bit, I wouldn't go back. Jalfred was always so incredibly proud of me for becoming a nurse, I couldn't let him down now. I was so close to graduating. I had to go back, I had to do it for my bear. And I did. This is an excerpt from my journal the day I started school.

 January 9, 2012
"...It's like I'm suppose to just go on now? I don't want to go on. I don't want to ever 'get over it' I don't want to heal. ALL I WANT IS MY BEAR. Today is exactly a month from the last time I talked with him...when I opened up my Christmas gift from him, the last time he heard me say I love him... My first day back at school: weird, awkward, didn't concentrate...lonely. I felt so alone. I didn't know what to do after class because I didn't want to go home and be by myself.  At night, I had a breakdown. I went walking alone in my neighborhood. I didn't even put on shoes. ... I am so alone, and scared. I hate this. I miss you Jalfred. I'm still praying it's a dream..."

One of my good friends from nursing school lost her fiance in 2009. When I came home from Germany she stopped by and dropped off some gifts. She printed out a beautiful black and white photo of me and Jalfred with a poem on it. She also bought me a journal. When she lost her fiance, someone got her a journal and told her to write in it no matter what, everyday. She told me it was one of the most helpful things someone did for her, and left me a message on the cover for me to do the same. I've been writing in it ever since I got the journal. Sometimes I write to Jalfred in it. Sometimes I write my prayers. Other times I just say "Today sucked." But no matter what I write, my feelings and pain are chronicled in my journal. I don't go anywhere without it. My journal won't judge my behavior, words, or feelings, like most do. Writing in my notebook actually reminds me of when I would write letters to my bear everyday while he was in basic, ait, and deployed. I like that. Somehow when I write to him, he's alive to me.

 Jalfred and I had our entire lives planned out together. We had it all going for us. We were so close to the point of reaching our dreams and officially being married- something we held dear. Even if our plans fell through in life, it wouldn't matter because we had each other. But now we didn't. It was just me. I struggled with realizing that my future with my soul mate was no more. There would be no homecoming, no wedding, no marriage, no children, no growing old together, no happily-ever-after anymore. My story changed from a love story to a tragedy in an instant. I had no idea what I was suppose to do.

Jalfred was my rock. I had to get used to not being able to talk to him. That was hard. The only person I wanted to talk to, was the only person I couldn't. Jalfred understood me on different levels...only he would get me, he would understand how I felt. My heart burned, it was a literal, physical pain, yearning just to hear his voice. I would listen to the saved voice-mails of him I had over and over again, for an instant, it would make me feel like he was alive again. I loved that feeling. I missed him...alive. I missed the wonderful sound of his voice telling me he's doing okay and that he loves me. I begged God somehow, someway to bring him back, to make this terrible reality just a nightmare that I would wake up from.

The words "Now What?" still ring in my head. I went from a life filled with happiness and a life shared with a wonderful, loving man, to a life with no direction and absolutely no idea what to do. It's like falling into a deep abyss, desperately reaching for something to hold onto. But there is nothing. 

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