Tuesday, December 13, 2011

One Thirty Six

While Jalfred was down in the brain perfusion scan, they pronounced him dead. Once they visually saw that 0% of blood was flowing to his brain, they pronounced him. It was at 1:36pm European time. That was his time of death. One thirty six. He was gone, officially now.

Although he was pronounced already, he returned back to his hospital room, looking exactly the same. Jalfred's family had arrived after the scan. His sister, his brother, and his "father" who I had never even seen or met before. I remember his sister seeing Jalfred for the first time. It was so painful to watch her reaction. His brother just stared, teary-eyed. And the father, whatever, no one really cared about him because he was not in Jalfred's life for ten years and had no relationship with Jalfred. Not one phone call even. Anyways. I watched the people who actually meant something to Jalfred see what I had seen before, experience the initial shock of seeing Jalfred...like this.

It was time to take him off the ventilator. It was time for Jalfred to be at peace. It was so painful to see him how he was. He needed to rest. his organs were failing already. He was going to die sooner or later naturally. No one could stand being in the room when they took him off the ventilator except for Jalfred's mother and I. She stood on one side of Jalfred holding him, and I stood on the other...

The doctor unhooked the ventilator. Jalfred's chest stopped rising and falling. I'll never forget the haunting and eerie sound of the inspiration and expiration of the ventilator while I layed my head on Jalfred's chest, and then it stopped. I kissed my bear all over when he was dying, his mother held him so dearly. I told him how much I loved him, over and over. I told him that it's ok to go. I told him that he'll always be my one and only. I promised him. I told him I'll love him forever and that i'll see him soon, in heaven. I whisphered all this in his ear as he died. My hand on his chest, I felt his last heart beat. I saw the color of his lips change from pink to pale. My baby was gone.

The nurse folded up the quilt that Jalfred was given by a quilting ministry in the hospital. The quilt Jalfred had on him when he died and gave  it to me. They unhooked him from all of the machines. They took out all of the tubes and drains and we saw Jalfred there. His mouth hanging open. Dead. I will never forget that image. The person who was my everything, gone, forever.

I held him for a long while after he died. It was time leave. I walked out and just dropped to the floor, sobbing uncontrollably. Did that all really just happen? NO NO NO. I didn't want it to be real. It didn't feel real and it still doesn't almost three months later. I remember sobbing and then looking up. The soldier in the room across from Jalfred was looking at us. I wonder what he was thinking. He must have felt very lucky even though he was hurt too.

I don't remember what really happened after that. I just remember that I was there to the very last heart beat, to the very end. Just like how I had promised Jalfred.
Listen ---> Just close your eyes, no one can hurt you now, you'll be alright, safe and sound...

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