Wednesday, March 21, 2012

How Friends/Family Can Help

 Since the day Jalfred passed away, people have tried to reach out to me. I remember being bombarded by calls and voice mails. It took about month to go through all the messages and return the calls. I received cards everyday, I really appreciated the sentiment, it touched my heart to know so many people cared. One of my childhood friends wrote me a handwritten letter and drew me beautiful flowers. Another, sent me a gift card to get a pedicure, which was a saving grace on one of my bad days. Other people sent me flowers and plants to grow in remembrance of Jalfred, I also received a beautiful handmade quilt. I think some of the most helpful things that people did was bring me food. I was not in any position to cook or even go to a drive-thru. I would even forget to eat, but one of my best friends always brought me something to snack on. I couldn't watch TV without coming across some show that upset me. The only thing I could watch without completely breaking down was The Housewives of Atlanta & Jerry Springer- yes, Jerry Springer. Another one of my close friends just laid in bed with me all day watching white trash TV. I was so thankful for that. During the beginning, there was a lot of support. But later on, as time passes, people stopped doing the little things they did at the beginning.  I was completely astonished and frankly downright hurt at how only two friends thought of me on Valentines Day- a day that would be my first without Jalfred. People just aren't very sensitive to the little things that may hurt someone whose lost a loved one...One of my fellow widow/fiancees shared this article with me and I think it really hits the nail on the head when it comes what to do.
HOW YOU CAN HELP ME (Writer unknown)

Please talk about my loved one, even though he is gone. It is more comforting to cry than to pretend that he never existed. I need to talk about him, and I need to do it over and over.

Be patient with my agitation. Nothing feels secure in my world. Get comfortable with my crying. Sadness hits me in waves, and I never know when my tears may flow. Just sit with me in silence and hold my hand.

Don't abandon me with the excuse that you don't want to upset me. You can't catch my grief. My world is painful, and when you are too afraid to call me or visit or say anything, you isolate me at a time when I most need to be cared about. If you don't know what to say, just come over, give me a hug or touch my arm, and gently say, "I'm sorry." You can even say, "I just don't know what to say, but I care, and want you to know that."

Just because I look good does not mean that I feel good. Ask me how I feel only if you really have time to find out. (A big one for me)

I am not strong. I'm just numb. When you tell me I am strong, I feel that you don't see me.

I will not recover. This is not a cold or the flu. I'm not sick. I'm grieving and that's different. My grieving may only begin 6 months after my loved one's death. Don't think that I will be over it in a year. For I am not only grieving his death, but also the person I was when I was with him, the life that we shared, the plans we had for watching our children and grandchildren grow, the places we will never get to go together, and the hopes and dreams that will never come true. My whole world has crumbled and I will never be the same.

I will not always be grieving as intensely, but I will never forget my loved one and rather than recover, I want to incorporate his life and love into the rest of my life. He is a part of me and always will be, and sometimes I will remember him with joy and other times with a tear. Both are okay.

I don't have to accept the death. Yes, I have to understand that it has happened and it is real, but there are some things in life that are just not acceptable.

I need to know that you care about me. I need to feel your touch, your hugs. I need you just to be with me, and I need to be with you. I need to know you believe in me and in my ability to get through my grief in my own way, and in my own time.

Please don't say, "Call me if you need anything." I'll never call you because I have no idea what I need. Trying to figure out what you could do for me takes more energy than I have. So, in advance, let me give you some ideas:

(a) Bring food or a movie over to watch together.
(b) Send me a card on special holidays, his birthday, and the anniversary of his death, and be sure to mention his name. You can't make me cry. The tears are here and I will love you for giving me the opportunity to shed them because someone cared enough about me to reach out on this difficult day.
(c) Ask me more than once to join you at a movie or lunch or dinner. I may so no at first or even for a while, but please don't give up on me because somewhere down the line, I may be ready, and if you've given up then I really will be alone.
(d) Understand how difficult it is for me to be surrounded by couples, to walk into events alone, to go home alone, to feel out of place in the same situations where I used to feel so comfortable.

Please don't judge me now - or think that I'm behaving strangely. Remember I'm grieving. I may even be in shock. I am afraid. I may feel deep rage. I may even feel guilty. But above all, I hurt. I'm experiencing a pain unlike any I've ever felt before and one that can't be imagined by anyone who has not walked in my shoes.

Don't worry if you think I'm getting better and then suddenly I seem to slip backward. Grief makes me behave this way at times. And please don't tell me you know how I feel, or that it's time for me to get on with my life.

Most of all thank you for being my friend. Thank you for your patience.

Thank you for caring. Thank you for helping, for understanding. Thank you for praying for me.

And remember in the days or years ahead, after your loss - when you need me as I have needed you - I will understand. And then I will come and be with you

( not my words..but perfect!)

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