Thursday, March 29, 2012


Jalfred died once. For me it feels as though I have died everyday since then. Every second is a battle, every moment a disaster, everyday is a war. Life used to be filled with color, vibrant, blooming with anticipation of what's to come. I feel as if I live in a gray-scale world. Since December 10th, it's like new lenses have been put on my eyes. I see everything so differently. The familiar became the unknown. The life in things disappeared. Jalfred was my source of joy and happiness. Our love fed my soul. Half of myself died when Jalfred did. I realized that I will never be the girl I was, not entirely at least. My soul mate is in heaven, and he took a part of me with him, and a piece of him lies in me still. I am still the girl that Jalfred knew and loved so dearly, but there is a new part to me. I'm not entirely sure who or what that part is. It's still developing. I would have never said some of the things I have said to the people who have hurt Jalfred in his life. But in that way, I have changed. I will speak up. I will have a voice. I will do it for Jalfred, and I did. I would do anything for the man I love- whether he was alive or dead.

To begin to understand the depth of my pain, one must first understand the height of our love. Jalfred and I began during a difficult part in his life and a changing point in both of ours. We evolved into adulthood hand-in-hand. Jalfred always told me that he was looking for somebody special before we became friends. He wanted a companion, a friend, and love. He told me that a few months before we started dating he prayed to God to put someone special into his life. Later on, I told him that I had prayed for the exact same thing. We always felt like we were a match made in heaven, literally. God brought me and Jalfred together for a purpose, I actually believe he brought us to one another for many purposes. Out of seven point three billion people on this planet, God led me to this one, very special soldier. God gave us such powerful and devote love. I wish I knew the meaning of why I was granted such love and happiness with the absolute love of my life and then have him taken from me so violently. I'm not sure if I'll ever really know that answer until the day I meet my maker. Although Jalfred was taken from this earth, our love was not. I am forever grateful for the short time and immense love Jalfred and I shared. Love is a force that cannot die. This verse is what Jalfred and I believed about what love means:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Love is sacrifice. Love is the willingness to give up something you hold dear for someone you love. Jalfred is the perfect example of what love truly is. He never just said he loved me, he showed it. Me and Jalfred were completely inseparable since the beginning of our relationship. We cherished every ordinary moment spent together. Jalfred's heart already made the decision to join the Army long before I came into his life. However, he asked me if he could go and still have me. I said yes. I wanted him to fulfill his dreams in the way he saw fit. He wanted to be able to take care of me and to make his family proud. He had a plan, a good plan. I encouraged him, and now I wish I hadn't. I wish I said "NO NO NO, stay with me, stay by my side forever." But if I did, I wouldn't have shown love to Jalfred because love is not self-seeking and Jalfred wanted to go, he felt drawn to the Army. I still wish I told him no. Maybe he would still be here with me, maybe he would still be alive.

Jalfred and I never wanted to be a part. But we knew that if we spent a little time a part, we could be together that much sooner. Again, we had to sacrifice being near each other to achieve long-term goals and dreams, including marriage. We knew it would be hard, but our love could withstand distance easily, and it did. Our relationship flourished near and far. We weren't by any means perfect, nor did we have a perfect life, but we had love and that was all we ever wanted or needed. I was going to college while he was going to basic training. It was so hard to let him go. There were countless tears shed when he was gone. The empty space he left when he went to the Army was just a taste of the emptiness that is left behind now. There was no holding Jalfred back from what he was meant to do- protect. Love always protects.

Although my world is dark and painful. I have a glimpse of hope because I've had love here on earth. My hope is seeing my bear again one day. Love always hopes. The driving force that helps me get out of bed each morning is still Jalfred's love. It always will be, and that's ok. People can take away earthly things from me, but they can't take away our love. I'll show my love for Jalfred by being patient. I had to wait for him while he was overseas, and now I just have to wait a little bit longer until I'm in his arms again. Love is patient. I will continue on the path we shared, I will live the life I now have been handed, but I will miss Jalfred every second of every day. Love always perseveres. Love is so many things, a force that cannot die. I will persevere for you bear, I will have hope, and I will patiently wait for the day I see you again - I love you Jalfred David Vaquerano <3


  1. We don't know each other. I was connected to your blog by another widow. My fiance was killed a year ago, although in different circumstances. I've read all of your posts and I relate so much to the feelings you've shared.

    I just wanted you to know that you are not alone.

    1. I'm so sorry for your loss as well. I'm glad that you're able to relate. It's so nice to know you're not alone and going crazy in this world. God bless <3


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