Saturday, April 7, 2012

The Sinking

Have you ever had that "sinking" feeling in your stomach? It's difficult to accurately describe. It's like a twisting in your gut, a churning of white coal inside your inmost being. It's the same feeling you get when you're weightless for a split second on a roller coaster. It is, however, not a good feeling like that of riding a thrill ride. This feeling is not thrilling at all. It's terrifying.

Before December 10th, I felt this feeling very seldom in my life. But now, it's a sensation I find manifesting in myself all the time. I'm constantly fighting off this feeling. I can't bear the feeling for long, it's far too much, and I can't handle it. This feeling became so familiar in the month of December, especially from the 10th to the 13th. The feeling was long and drawn out until the 30th. I no longer can allow myself to experience the intensity. It's too much. If I do, I will literally die. I find myself always trying to distract myself with technology. It's silly, but it works- for now. I watch TV to allow my brain to vegetate, I play games on my phone to distract myself from my very own reality. I feel like I'm living my life on autopilot. I'm running from the sinking feeling. I feel like it's chasing me down, and I'm running, running fast, but it's close behind, it's always following me. A dark shadow is near, waiting to envelope me. It's only a matter of time until it reaches me. I can feel it, it's imminent. I jumped right back into Nursing school a week after Jalfred's funeral. It was far too soon for me to try to accomplish anything after this tragedy. I feel this impending doom hanging over my shoulders and once my life has a brief pause, the sinking will catch me. I know I will fight it, but it will strangle me. I will be drowned in it.

I am so terrified to feel that intensity again. I'm doing anything I can to block it out, sometimes I can't. So many times I have had anxiety attacks. The sinking feeling makes me panic. It's like all the intense feelings I had in Germany, holding Jalfred, seeing in in that condition, manifests all at once again. That's the worst. Nights can be the toughest. When I lay my head on my pillow and the lights are off, nothing can distract me from my own thoughts. My mind races, imagining Jalfred being shot, over and over. My brain replays images of Jalfred in Germany. The swelling, the bruises, the ventilator, the blood. I can't handle that. I try to plan when I'll be going to bed so I can take something to help me sleep 30 minutes before, so when I lay my head on the pillow, I'll fall asleep quickly. That way, I won't have time to think. Sometimes I will even avoid going to bed period. I'll stay up watching movies or playing games until early in the morning if I'm feeling like I can't handle the thoughts.

I'm so scared of those thoughts and feelings. I feel like I can conquer anything external in life. My worst fear already came true. What else can phase me? But my worst nightmare is still my reality. It doesn't just go away. I feel the same fear and anxiety I felt when I got the call that Jalfred was shot. I still have that sinking when I think about it. I relive it all. And on top of that, I have an immense fear of forgetting memories- the happy memories. I am terrified because my memory is so cloudy right now. I don't want to forget a single moment with Jalfred. I want to be able to store my memories with my love onto a hardrive. If only it was that easy.

I'm still just running, running fast from the sinking feeling. To where? I'd like to know that myself. I want nothing more than to be running straight into my baby's arms, walking off a plane home from Afghanistan with all the other soldiers.

1 comment:

  1. Wow, I am so sorry to read your story. I know that words cannot express how you feel and no one else's can dampen the sorrow you must feel. I am sure that having the love of your life and all of your dreams ripped from this Earth is too much to bear. I am praying for you to have God's peace and presence to shield you from these harrowing feelings of panic and fear. Being a military wife/fiancee is not an easy journey and not one that many people would choose, especially knowing that your spouse/fiancee will not come home. I also lost an ex-fiancee in Iraq, though we were not together at the time, it was still very painful and still is. Sometimes I fight the feeling of wishing that I could have saved him and other regrets, but there was nothing that I could have done. I have to trust God daily to help me obtain the healing I need. I am married to another wonderful military man and when he deployed he sent me a cloth with the poem, Footprints in the Sand etched into it.I am praying that it will minister to you. Jesus is holding your hand, even when it doesn't feel like it.


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