Saturday, June 2, 2012

"Well I Went Skydiving.."

Since Jalfred's death, i've felt restless. I feel as though I need to get up and do something. I feel like I need to go somewhere, to run, to walk, to just be. One of the many random desires I have felt is to go skydiving. I honestly would have never done this if Jalfred were still alive. But, my worst fear came true so I have nothing left to fear. I just had to jump out of a plane, for myself and for Jalfred. Who else better to jump than Jalfred's mother and sister? All three of us did it together, but someone was missing. Jalfred would have absolutely loved it.

There's something about being so high in the sky, far above the clouds, that brought me comfort. I was nervous for the jump, but also excited. I needed that. I needed to feel alive again because I've felt so dead. Even though jumping two and half miles high in the sky was exhilarating, it didn't even touch the sensation of me and Jalfred's first kiss. I was looking for something to be excited about, and this is what I came up with. I hadn't smiled like I did on this day for since before Jalfred's death.

There was a sense of power in being so powerless. I felt in control of something, although I was very much out of control of everything. For a moment, I felt alive again, I felt Jalfred flying with me. At moments before I jumped when I was scared, I just thought of Jalfred and what he endured and it gave me courage. Thinking of him always gives me the strength to do what I have to do. When someone hurts me by their words or actions now I just think of what Jalfred would tell me. I think of Jalfred's love for me and just knowing the depth of it makes me forget about the insignificant things.

I struggle with the fact that Jalfred didn't get to experience things like this, he didn't have a chance to. I imagined him while I was on the plane, thinking of the facial expression he'd probably have if he were right there with me about to jump. Thoughts and memories like this make me smile. They're what get me by each day. When I close my eyes and feel him near to me, that's what gives me the strength to live. I not only want to live, but I want to live for a purpose, I want to live as an exceptional person, as the person Jalfred fell deeply in love with. I want to live a life filled with honor, the kind of life Jalfred died for me to have. Jalfred once wrote me in a letter "I would give up my dreams for you" and he has. He has given up everything so that I can have all these things. The oxymoron is that all of these things mean nothing to me without him by my side.

Nothing will ever be the same without you.

1 comment:

  1. We thought of you and Jalfred on July 4th. Praying for God to continue to be your strength in this hard first July 4th without him.


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